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Wal-Mart Cuts 13,000 of What It Calls “Jobs”

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The Onion hits it out of the park:

BENTONVILLE, AR—Retail giant Wal-Mart has announced in recent weeks that, effective immediately, it is cutting as many as 13,000 of what it somehow has the audacity to refer to as “jobs” from its corporate payroll.

According to Wal-Mart representatives, the, for lack of a better word, positions will be cut from the company’s underperforming Sam’s Club division. Analysts reported that Monday’s layoffs marked one of the largest so-called downsizings of what can hardly even be termed employment in the company’s history.

“It doesn’t seem fair, after all the time I put in with this abusive prison state regarded for some reason as a company,” said former membership recruiter Robert Weldon, 46. “Obviously, this is going to severely reduce the overall quality of the unceasingly grim reminder of financial hardships that I call my life.”

Although many experts have deemed these layoffs an unfortunate reflection of the economic climate, instead of what they actually are, which is a borderline fucking human rights violation, a number of prominent analysts said current market trends show that Wal-Mart may soon recover from its current woes, as if anyone with an ounce of human decency even gives a shit.

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Written by pavanvan

February 11, 2010 at 9:55 am

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